I Thought I Was a Gay Woman - The Legendary Artist Enabled Me to Realize the Truth

In 2011, several years prior to the acclaimed David Bowie show launched at the prestigious Victoria and Albert Museum in England, I publicly announced a lesbian. Up to that point, I had only been with men, one of whom I had entered matrimony with. By 2013, I found myself approaching middle age, a freshly divorced mother of four, living in the United States.

Throughout this phase, I had commenced examining both my personal gender and romantic inclinations, looking to find understanding.

My birthplace was England during the beginning of the seventies - pre-world wide web. As teenagers, my peers and I lacked access to Reddit or video sharing sites to consult when we had inquiries regarding sexuality; conversely, we looked to celebrity musicians, and during the 80s, everyone was challenging gender norms.

The Eurythmics singer wore male clothing, Boy George wore women's fashion, and bands such as well-known groups featured performers who were openly gay.

I wanted his narrow hips and precise cut, his angular jaw and male chest. I wanted to embody the Berlin-era Bowie

During the nineties, I spent my time driving a bike and dressing like a tomboy, but I went back to conventional female presentation when I decided to wed. My spouse moved our family to the United States in 2007, but when the union collapsed I felt an powerful draw revisiting the masculinity I had once given up.

Considering that no artist played with gender quite like David Bowie, I chose to use some leisure time during a warm-weather journey returning to England at the V&A, hoping that possibly he could provide clarity.

I didn't know specifically what I was searching for when I stepped inside the show - maybe I thought that by submerging my consciousness in the opulence of Bowie's norm-challenging expression, I might, as a result, encounter a hint about my true nature.

Before long I was standing in front of a compact monitor where the music video for "the iconic song" was recurring endlessly. Bowie was performing confidently in the front, looking polished in a charcoal outfit, while to the side three supporting vocalists in feminine attire clustered near a microphone.

Differing from the entertainers I had witnessed firsthand, these ladies failed to move around the stage with the confidence of inherent stars; instead they looked bored and annoyed. Placed in secondary positions, they had gum in their mouths and rolled their eyes at the boredom of it all.

"Those words, boys always work it out," Bowie performed brightly, apparently oblivious to their diminished energy. I felt a momentary pang of understanding for the backing singers, with their pronounced make-up, uncomfortable wigs and constricting garments.

They appeared to feel as ill-at-ease as I did in feminine attire - frustrated and eager, as if they were hoping for it all to end. Just as I recognized my alignment with three male performers in feminine attire, one of them ripped off her wig, removed the cosmetics from her face, and showed herself to be ... Bowie! Revelation. (Understandably, there were two other David Bowies as well.)

Right then, I became completely convinced that I aimed to shed all constraints and become Bowie too. I craved his narrow hips and his sharp haircut, his defined jawline and his masculine torso; I aimed to personify the lean-figured, Berlin-era Bowie. Nevertheless I couldn't, because to authentically transform into Bowie, first I would need to be a man.

Coming out as gay was one thing, but transitioning was a significantly scarier prospect.

It took me additional years before I was prepared. During that period, I tried my hardest to embrace manhood: I abandoned beauty products and discarded all my feminine garments, trimmed my tresses and began donning male attire.

I altered how I sat, modified my gait, and changed my name and pronouns, but I paused at surgical procedures - the potential for denial and remorse had caused me to freeze with apprehension.

Once the David Bowie display concluded its international run with a engagement in Brooklyn, New York, following that period, I returned. I had reached a breaking point. I was unable to continue acting to be a person I wasn't.

Facing the same video in 2018, I became completely convinced that the challenge wasn't about my clothing, it was my physical form. I wasn't a masculine woman; I was a man with gentle characteristics who'd been wearing drag throughout his existence. I aimed to transition into the man in the sharp suit, performing under lights, and at that moment I understood that I was able to.

I booked myself in to see a medical professional shortly afterwards. The process required further time before my transformation concluded, but not a single concern I feared occurred.

I still have many of my traditional womanly traits, so people often mistake me for a homosexual male, but I'm comfortable with that outcome. I wanted the freedom to experiment with identity following Bowie's example - and since I'm content with my physical form, I am able to.